I think my iPad clock is inaccurate. But that’s unlikely because it’s higher grade technology so it’s probably me who has pressed something wrong.
But, family, fret not! Because everything else is going smoothly. Including the flight. When the pilot announced that there were stormy conditions over the Atlantic, I was kind of like, “What?” and then I yawned and my ears popped and I realised what he’d said (that hit me a lot harder and a lot faster than, you know, the fact that I’m going halfway across the world) and then I was kind of like, “Well. Crap.”
But it’s been alright. It’s actually been one of the smoothest flights ever. I can recall two five-minute wiggle-jiggles and that’s about it. Phew.
You know how several ridiculously cheesy romantic movies start with two total strangers: a girl and a guy, sitting next to each other on a plane and romance, inevitably, pursues? Well, the set out happened to me.
I’ve always wanted it to. I mean, I say such scenes are ridiculously cheesy but that doesn’t stop me from picturing it happening to me. And it did. And in my movie, a Chase Crawford- lookalike was cast as the stranger guy and Yours Truly played the part of the stranger girl who, before entering the plane, was hell bent on asserting her high school seniority rights and switching seats with someone so she could get an aisle seat closer to her friends but then the tables turned. And she kind of didn’t want to switch seats anymore. Just, you know, for the fun of it.
But it’s very difficult to do such things just, you know, for the fun of it when every single girl on the tour is staring at you and making inappropriately suggestive eyebrow movements.
One of the owners of a set of inappropriately suggestive eyebrows sent me a message and this is how the conversation went:
Her: “You go girl! [winking face] [laughing face]”
Me: “Inside I’m laughing my head off. Can you tell? [laughing face] [straight face]”
Her: “Trust you to get the boy. Swop with [insert name of particularly outgoing individual] [winking face].”
Me: “I’m, like, the most unqualified person on the trip to have gotten this seat [laughing face].” (Because, quite honestly, I’m not exactly known for being a particularly outgoing individual)
Her: “That’s my point! Well, we all start somewhere [winking face] [laughing face].”
Me: “I’m evolving. I suppose it’s fitting since it’s Galapagos and all. #survivalofthefittest.”
Me: “I accidentally stuck my seatbelt thing in his seatbelt thing.”
Her: “Sure. Accidentally.”
At this point I pulled out the in-flight magazine which happened to have an article called “In Flight Fitness”. It had pictures showing how to do the movements…
Me: ” [picture of article] *choreographs mating dance according to these plane-approved moves*”
Her: “This is why you’re my favourite.”
The plane took off and this, somehow resulted in Handsome Stranger’s book falling off his lap. For one second I thought, This is my chance to make great, life-changing, romantic-movie-worthy conversation.
Unthinkingly, I reached for the book, gave it to him and then unthinkingly, again, I just said, “Book.” like I was checking it off a list or something.
(Sure. That was totally something Nicholas Sparks would be proud of.
Book – check
Momentary Social Skills – remarkably lacking)
To which he replied, “Thanks.”
So I recovered from my social awkwardness by doing something I’m good at: enjoying book characters’ social awkwardness. And at some point I fell asleep. And then at some other point, I half woke up and sat in a barely conscious, somewhat paralysed state for a good two minutes, pondering whether or not my mouth was open and whether or not I needed to close it because apparently I snore like a purring cat when I sleep upright.
My mouth was open, after all.
The credits to “Saving Mr. Banks” rolled across my mini screen and the movie, both literally and figuratively, was over. I had landed in Brazil.